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i miss you
April 28, 2010I miss him. Well, no. Actually, it’s not him. It’s what we had. Whatever that was. You see, even now, I have no idea what it is exactly that had transpired between the two of us. I know we weren’t just acquaintances. It sure as hell wasn’t friendship (most people would grind a hammer into my skull if I ever atempted to claim it WAS that). And we most definitely weren’t a couple. But as sure as mosquitoes are feasting on my legs right now, we had SOMETHING. And it was a good something. (until I f*cked things up, of course.) And I miss that.
I don’t really miss him so much as I miss how he made me feel. Of course the memory of the feeling won’t do justice to the feeling itself. But I remember that it felt nice most of the time. I remember that water tasted better, that the morning sun looked friendlier, that the world seemed a happier place to be in. I remember that I could laugh like there was no tomorrow. that I could be happy, knowing I couldn’t be any happier. Sigh, I miss that.
I don’t really miss him. Because I know the person i’m missing isn’t the same person anymore. I’ve been seeing him more lately, and yet… the more I see him, the more I miss him. Or better yet, the person that he was. I may not have lost him to someone else (for though he IS with somebody else, he was never mine to lose), but it seems sadder to think that I lost him to himself. Or maybe that’s better, I don’t know.
I could have been better. He’s changed a lot. Whether or not it was because of me, it doesn’t matter. The point is he’s changed. The man I keep bumping into lately isn’t the man I had fallen in love with two years ago. That man wasn’t capable of belonging to someone. And so he changed. And so he now belongs to someone.
I miss him. That man. Who isn’t that man anymore. I’ve lost him once before (though , I repeat, he was never mine). And if you think that’s sad, wait till you hear what I have to say next.
Now I’ve lost him forever. Not because he never loved me. And not because he loves somebody else now. But because he has become somebody else, someone I don’t know, someone I don’t remember. He has become somebody else, and now the man I fell in love with–the man I may still be loving–is missing and will never be found again.
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